People of Great Britain....

What the fuck are you playing at?

Ok, more specifically, people-who-voted-for-John-and-Edward – What the fuck are you playing at?.

Epic Fail. That’s what.

How is it possible that these 2 dickheads get more of the public vote than the tit fest that is “Kandy Rain”?

To be fair, neither of them were amazingly good, but Christ…If I farted in a jar and held it up to a microphone, it’d have more talent than John and Edward combined. Quite how these talentless, spikey haired muppets made it through to next weeks show is really quite mind boggling.

I have even tried to break it down into some sort of mathematical equation to help make sense of it, but still can’t fathom it. I always get the same results –

Personally, I’m going with the whole “betting scam” reason as to why they got through. They must have been favourites to go surely? Large syndicates place large bets on them not going, bet money accordingly then vote to keep them in = cha-ching…Possibly.

It’s the only logical explanation, surely? Who the fuck would WANT to see these 2 week after week? Seriously now, I will have to stop as my blood pressure is rising. If they make it through again this week, I’ll end up throwing the cat at the telly or summat.

I will end by saying this –

People of Great Britain I implore you…No more votes for these 2 clowns of fuckwittery.

To end the blog on a positive, I will post a picture of the lovely Cheryl Cole.

Good lord, she’s ace.... Just look at her. And to think, she's married to Ashley Cole. Some things just don't make sense. I mean, didn't he shag someones nan or something? Or was that Rooney? Either way, it's still just wrong.

*Angelic choir*

Dog shit a no-no?

Quite an odd one today, but please....bear with me. I'm not suggesting that any of what I'm about to write is relevant to anything at all in any way, shape or form, but what the hell....It's not every day we talk about the properties of poo.

This, is white dog shit.

Some people will be looking at this thinking
"Shiiiiiiit! I ain't seen that shit in years!".

Others will look and think "WTF? I ain't NEVER seen no white shiiiiit! What is this faeces of witchcraft and devil worship?!"

Let me tell you young whippersnappers this (I'm looking at you, Carey).... These mysterious, flakey floaters were 10 a penny when I were a lad. 10 A PENNY, I SAY.

You'd often come across these bizarre turds, usually on the field where you were playing football or summat, sometimes on the side of a path. Spotting one almost always resulted in laughter from anyone in the nearby vicinity.....How we chuckled as bits blew off in the wind. How we chortled when a piece started to roll down the road, oh and how we guffawed when the speccy kid with ginger hair stood in one...

.....What can I say? You kids these days with your Playstations, Mobile phones and MP3 players...What did we have back in the day?

White fucking dog shit, that's what.

Anyway, to the uninitiated, back in the day, white dog shit was a common occurance. Quite often as kids, we'd wonder if only white dogs shat out these pale, crumbly sausages of filth. Could these dogs eggs possibly have been laid by some sort of ghost dog, who's spirit would roam the school fields looking to lay down his white, spectral cables in the middle of the football pitch?...Some kids would swear that this was the case and that if you didn't believe them....well....Their Dad was bigger than yours.

Later in life of course, we have now discovered the mysteries behind these pale plops. Apparently (and rather boringly), it all comes down to the little doggies diet.

Back then, before there was any such thing as BSE, or any other type of brain eating disease, people used to give their dogs bones from the butcher. Not these hide, fucking chew things, no Siree'...Proper bones...With meat and stuff on....Just like the dog out of the Tom and Jerry cartoons (no, really). And to a lesser extent, Scooby Doo.

Anyway, these bones obviously contain calcium which is shat out. Said turd dries, white calcium deposits remain and leaves Rover's shats a whiter shade of pale...Probably.

Now however, due to the increased threat of your dog going off it's tits if it eats proper bones, little Fido's calcium intake is lessened...maybe....And erm....This (perhaps) results in less white shits.

I'm sure there's a much better scientific explanation for it, but that's the best you're getting from me, so there.

Anyway...

White dog shit...We salute you!

May your flakey, white fluffs float on the wind.... Forever..........Just don't find your way into my hair....or mouth.

Headphones not required?...Well yes...Yes they are.

Hello again to anyone that bothers reading this crap.

Ok, so today’s post is going to be a general, old man rant about the growing trend of kids with mobile phones who, for reasons unknown, think it’s a good idea to walk around with their mobile phones on, blaring out whatever shite music it is that kids of today listen to. Quite why these little bastards think that anyone in a 50 meter radius wants to listen to the “boom-tish-boom-tish-boom-tish” of their happyhardcorehousegarage crap is beyond me.

First of all, if you’re going to subject the general public to this, put something good on... Y’know, something with proper lyrics and instruments being played and stuff and you know, that thing…Erm, what’s it called again? Oh, that’s right…A FUCKING MELODY.

It’s time for people to take a stand against these “gansta” wannabes listening to their indecipherable shit, with their speakers hanging around their necks!

Here’s an idea kids, now please, take your time reading this, be sure to take it in, as any minute now, I’m going to tell you to do something quite revolutionary, just an amazing concept that you may not have thought of…Here it comes………..GET SOME FUCKING HEADPHONES.

Total harmony for all. You get to fill your head with your “yo yo yo” crap and everyone else gets peace and quiet. Failure to keep to this simple rule means I will have to enforce my own brand of unique justice. This involves me taking your phone from you, stamping on it then feeding it to you.

Did I mention I would feed it to you on a spoon made of dog shit and broken glass? No?

Well now you know.

Most annoying twats ever?

Well, it's been a good 4 years or so since I posted anything..I've facebooked, twittered, jibbered and jabbered and now I'm back on Blogspot....w00t! etc.

Anyway, it’s good to be back and my first new post is dedicated to the two dopey bastards from the x factor. If you’ve been watching the programme, you’ll know exactly who I’m on about and you’ll probably feel the same way as the majority of the population (and if you don’t, it could well be time for that full frontal lobotomy you’ve been promising yourself). If you haven’t been watching, well…Quite simply…You’re blessed.

Imagine if you will the most annoying twat you can think of. Got a mental image of that? Good. Now multiply it by 100.

That’s pretty much the level of arseclownery that’s on display here.

Even typing about them gets my blood to boiling point. Not since that soppy Scottish lad won it a few years ago have I witnessed such uselessness. Utterly devoid of any talent and basically only still in the competition because Louis Walsh is an arse bag.

Here’s hoping an anvil, piano or elephant is dropped on each of them from a great height and their remains are fed to the Sarlacc…Even burned in the fires of Mount Doom would be sufficient…Either that or just kicked about a bit and put in the bin. Any of those options sits nicely with me. I’m really not fussy.

The Kids are back in school!

Huzzah!!

Not posted anything for a while, so thought I'd better post summat. First to say thanks to the kind folk at Britblog.com for activating my account!

Anyhoo, as the title suggests, after a long 6 week holiday, the kids are back in school. I've been off work on holiday for the past few days and it's been bliss...No kids playing outside, screaming and shouting...not that I don't like kids (as mentioned earlier, I have a Son of 5), but I couldn't eat a whole one..ha ha ha.....*ahem*...Did you see that? Joe Pasquale is shitting himself, I'm tellin' yer!

Oh, on another joyus note...I preordered my Xbox360 the other day and I've been looking at a HDTV to go with it!...Finally settled on a Samsung one for under 900 beans...Mustn't grumble : ).

Back to work tomorrow...I've only had 4 days off, but it feels like ages and I'm really not looking forward to going back...a sickie could be in order, not sure yet.....Anyhoo, I'm off to play footie outside with the little un'....That is to say I'm kicking a ball around with him, not actually using him as the football....*ahem*...Did you see that again? Bernard Manning is browning his kecks, I guarantee it.

Charlie....Ha ha! Class. Van Damme, Segal, Jet Li?... Pah! This chimp would hand your arses to all of you!

This chimp is great! Lol.

All details on Charlie can be found here: http://www.thekaratechimp.com/.

He's a 17 year old, bad ass, karate black belt for Gods sake! What more do you want from a chimp?!

There was no mention of him waxing cars, painting fences or sanding floors though....Ah well, you can't have it all. But it would have been great...Wouldn't it?....WOULDN'T IT?....In all probability yes...yes it would. But then again, in all probability, I'm talking shite.

Be sure to check out Charlie's Scrapbook and work references for some comedy gold! He's had his picture taken with Chuck Norris! CHUCK NORRIS for Gods sake!!
*Cough*

Everton crash out of the Champions League...

Even the lad who plays Harry Potter can't help but piss himself laughing....Do y'know summat? I think I'll join him......

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Out you go, Bluenoses! Champions League? You're havin' a laugh!