People of Great Britain....

What the fuck are you playing at?

Ok, more specifically, people-who-voted-for-John-and-Edward – What the fuck are you playing at?.

Epic Fail. That’s what.

How is it possible that these 2 dickheads get more of the public vote than the tit fest that is “Kandy Rain”?

To be fair, neither of them were amazingly good, but Christ…If I farted in a jar and held it up to a microphone, it’d have more talent than John and Edward combined. Quite how these talentless, spikey haired muppets made it through to next weeks show is really quite mind boggling.

I have even tried to break it down into some sort of mathematical equation to help make sense of it, but still can’t fathom it. I always get the same results –

Personally, I’m going with the whole “betting scam” reason as to why they got through. They must have been favourites to go surely? Large syndicates place large bets on them not going, bet money accordingly then vote to keep them in = cha-ching…Possibly.

It’s the only logical explanation, surely? Who the fuck would WANT to see these 2 week after week? Seriously now, I will have to stop as my blood pressure is rising. If they make it through again this week, I’ll end up throwing the cat at the telly or summat.

I will end by saying this –

People of Great Britain I implore you…No more votes for these 2 clowns of fuckwittery.

To end the blog on a positive, I will post a picture of the lovely Cheryl Cole.

Good lord, she’s ace.... Just look at her. And to think, she's married to Ashley Cole. Some things just don't make sense. I mean, didn't he shag someones nan or something? Or was that Rooney? Either way, it's still just wrong.

*Angelic choir*

Dog shit a no-no?

Quite an odd one today, but please....bear with me. I'm not suggesting that any of what I'm about to write is relevant to anything at all in any way, shape or form, but what the hell....It's not every day we talk about the properties of poo.

This, is white dog shit.

Some people will be looking at this thinking
"Shiiiiiiit! I ain't seen that shit in years!".

Others will look and think "WTF? I ain't NEVER seen no white shiiiiit! What is this faeces of witchcraft and devil worship?!"

Let me tell you young whippersnappers this (I'm looking at you, Carey).... These mysterious, flakey floaters were 10 a penny when I were a lad. 10 A PENNY, I SAY.

You'd often come across these bizarre turds, usually on the field where you were playing football or summat, sometimes on the side of a path. Spotting one almost always resulted in laughter from anyone in the nearby vicinity.....How we chuckled as bits blew off in the wind. How we chortled when a piece started to roll down the road, oh and how we guffawed when the speccy kid with ginger hair stood in one...

.....What can I say? You kids these days with your Playstations, Mobile phones and MP3 players...What did we have back in the day?

White fucking dog shit, that's what.

Anyway, to the uninitiated, back in the day, white dog shit was a common occurance. Quite often as kids, we'd wonder if only white dogs shat out these pale, crumbly sausages of filth. Could these dogs eggs possibly have been laid by some sort of ghost dog, who's spirit would roam the school fields looking to lay down his white, spectral cables in the middle of the football pitch?...Some kids would swear that this was the case and that if you didn't believe them....well....Their Dad was bigger than yours.

Later in life of course, we have now discovered the mysteries behind these pale plops. Apparently (and rather boringly), it all comes down to the little doggies diet.

Back then, before there was any such thing as BSE, or any other type of brain eating disease, people used to give their dogs bones from the butcher. Not these hide, fucking chew things, no Siree'...Proper bones...With meat and stuff on....Just like the dog out of the Tom and Jerry cartoons (no, really). And to a lesser extent, Scooby Doo.

Anyway, these bones obviously contain calcium which is shat out. Said turd dries, white calcium deposits remain and leaves Rover's shats a whiter shade of pale...Probably.

Now however, due to the increased threat of your dog going off it's tits if it eats proper bones, little Fido's calcium intake is lessened...maybe....And erm....This (perhaps) results in less white shits.

I'm sure there's a much better scientific explanation for it, but that's the best you're getting from me, so there.

Anyway...

White dog shit...We salute you!

May your flakey, white fluffs float on the wind.... Forever..........Just don't find your way into my hair....or mouth.